Musings and Rants from an Edgy Teenager

June 4: Fight, Flight, or Freeze

Trigger warnings: Transphobia, reference to and quoting of a poem discussing the Holocaust, politics, etc.

Recently, a trans man was arrested in my area for what boiled down to just him being trans. It's terrifying, and it foreshadows what is to come in my area of the United States and possibly to the United States in general.

One thing stuck out to me about what this man said. He said that he wants to be openly trans in this area of the United States, as that is what we truly need: Us existing in spaces and letting others realize we are not the monsters media outlets try to portray us to be. But he, like many of us, are scared to be openly trans because we don't want to get arrested, harmed, or killed. Incidents like this unlawful arrest really make that fear seem more and more justified. We find ourselves at a crossroads:

Do we risk our lives trying to protect our future and the future of others? Or do we just keep our head down and say nothing?

It brings me back to a poem I read in school. The poem is “First They Came” by Pastor Martin Niemöller and it reads:

“First they came for the Communists

And I did not speak out

Because I was not a Communist

Then they came for the Socialists

And I did not speak out

Because I was not a Socialist

Then they came for the trade unionists

And I did not speak out

Because I was not a trade unionist

Then they came for the Jews

And I did not speak out

Because I was not a Jew

Then they came for me

And there was no one left

To speak out for me”

I think about this poem often. I feel like this poem is my future in a way. Because in all honesty, I have no idea what way to go on those crossroads. The decision feels obvious when I pose the question: Of course pick the former one. Fight for those you love. Fight for your brothers. Your sisters. Your siblings. Your community. But when it boils down to fight, flight, or freeze, I freeze. And I freeze bad.

I can't help but feel like a coward. Like I have failed the community that has done so much for me. They gave me the tools to figure out who I am. Gave me treatment to feel more comfortable in my skin. And what do I have to pay it back? Nothing. Or at least very little. Sure I call my representatives when there's a bill that needs to be stopped or share trans organizations to help in some way, but that doesn't feel like enough.

But for now, that's all I'm able and willing to do. And I hope and pray that my efforts, though small, are not in vain.

A warning going forward: On this part of my webpage, I can potentially get personal and talk about serious/triggering subjects. Because of this, please navigate with discretion although I will try to give warnings where I can.

May 30, 2025: A Small Update to this Page

I'm going to try to add little drawings relating to whatever cutrent topic to the end of each of my rambles going forward. I think it'll add a lot of personality and it'll excercise my creative muscle. It'll also help me process whatever I'm talking about if it's something serious. This can however make my posts even more triggering to those reading so I must emphasize to proceed with caution on my page. Thank You.

May 27, 2025: Religion and Beauty

Trigger warnings: Discussion of religion and religious dread

Over the past couple weeks, I have begun going to an Orthodox church with my brother as I want to get closer to him. He's nine years older than me and so as a child, I really didn't get to know him too well and as an adult, he is of course quite busy.

When he told me that he started going to an Orthodox church and showed me some of the pictures of the inside, I was struck with the beauty of the place. I knew that this would be an opportunity to spend more time with him and to witness the artistic beauty of this place in person. And so I began going there.

For the past three weeks I've gone and in all honesty, I'm scared. The beauty of the place feels so overwhelming. The hand painted murals and icons surrounding you. The angelic choir singing. It all feels too good to be true. I'm not a Christian and in fact, am a Buddhist. But this place feels so strong, so tempting, that it could easily make someone convert.

But I don't want to convert. I want to remain a Buddhist. I don't want to change. I feel caught between being a Buddhist, a Christian, and having no religion at all. I feel torn apart by beauty. And this is what made me learn a lesson: Beauty is powerful. So powerful it can make someone question their own religion. So powerful that despite not agreeing with what it preaches, it still has you coming back. And that terrified me.

May 27, 2025: Wishing I Could Come Up with More Ideas

I want to add more to this site, but I'm really low on ideas. It's been difficult being creative for some time now but hopefully this summer, I can get back on my feet. My only concerns are that things like summer plans will get in the way. For example, I have a trip to Scotland and Ireland in less than two weeks. And while I am excited about that, I am worried that this will derail me even more creatively than I already am. A little less than a year ago, I went on a different trip and because there was so much going on at all times, I had no time to draw/create. This was so detrimental to my creativity that I'm still recovering from it. I'm so worried what this next trip might do.

On the bright side, artfight is just around the corner, and that'll hopefully spark something in me.

March 1, 2025: The Worst Soup I've Ever Had

So I go over to my friends house and they ask me if I want lomein I say sure. So I go down stairs and they're preparing to boil it. I look at the packaging and it says to boil it in 3 quarts of water. They pull out chicken stock and starts pouring it into the pot. I tell them it says to boil it in 3 quarts of water and they say they want to boil it in chicken stock, but then realize they don't have enough of it so they take out a can of cream of chicken soup, scoop it in and add water (first mistake).

As the noodles are going, I ask them "hey do you want me to put a strainer in the sink?" They then say to me "Why would I do that?" It is then revealed to me that we are making soup. So I start cleaning these mushrooms they want in it and I ask what seasonings they had and they told me all they had was salt and pepper. I luckily got them to add garlic to it.

So the soup is going and it just tastes like water. I ask for milk/cream, just to add SOMETHING to this "soup". My friend scoffs and says of course they have milk, but lo and behold, they didn't. They start calling down their grandmother, telling her that they made "chicken mushroom soup." The only actual pieces of the chicken in the soup were the very occasional small pieces in the cream of chicken. It genuinely tastes like depression.

I love my friend but I genuinely think it's the worst soup I've ever had.

February 19, 2025: Good Food, Bad Recipe

I started cooking from home last year in order to improve the quality of my life, give me a feeling of accomplishment, and help out my family. I am the only person who cooks in the house, so I had very little guidance on where to start and understanding certain things about it. I’d confuse tablespoons with teaspoons. When looking online, I felt like everyone knew more than me and there was conflicting advice everywhere

So after cooking the recipe I'll be talking about today, I got to thinking about the wannabe cook I was then (and still am now). This recipe, to me, is a reminder that sometimes, the result of a recipe is not always on the fault of the cook and sometimes on the recipe.

This recipe is titled "Boursin Cheese Pasta” from Food Dolls. It's a cheesy pasta with tomatoes and spinach. It's one of those pasta recipes where you put a block of cheese in the center and surround it with grape tomatoes. This recipe is a little different from other recipes similar to it because it contains broth and heavy cream to make this a one dish recipe.

While I'm not at all opposed to one dish recipes, I do not like the execution of this one. Expecting pasta to cook in a baking dish like this, just didn't work out for me. I felt like some of the pasta was cooked while other parts were still crunchy. Also within the writing and formatting of the recipe itself could use work. In one section of the recipe, it lists the spinach under the section about mixing the spices together as one of the ingredients in the mix when the spinach is actually supposed to appear later on in the recipe after the pasta has cooked.

I would honestly recommend cooking the pasta in a separate pot then after that's done and the tomatoes and cheese cooked, stir in the pasta in a similar fashion to other recipes. That way you can save the money from the heavy cream and the broth on other things. I know it's one extra thing to clean but it's worth it to know that the pasta is cooked all the way through.

I knew that if I'd come across this recipe as even more of a beginner, I would've been very confused and probably panicked a little. It is just pasta at the end of the day but for me it's also the time and money I spent.

Thank you so much for reading this little rant of mine (: